


Hogwarts Rejection Letters

by Fox_the_Hermit



Series: Hogwarts Letters [1]
Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer, Assassin's Creed, Death Note, Doctor Who, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Keys to the Kingdom - Garth Nix, Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler, Sherlock (TV), Supernatural
Genre: Assassin!Harry, Child Death, Funny, Gen, Hogwarts Letters, Humor, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Reaper!Harry, Rejection Letters, RightfulHeir!Harry, Some Tragic Chapters, Thief!Harry, criminal!harry, detective!harry, hopefully funny, vampire!Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-28 20:13:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6343621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fox_the_Hermit/pseuds/Fox_the_Hermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hogwarts Rejection Letters from many various universes.<br/>Very short snippets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

Dear Professor McGonagall,

Can’t come to Hogwarts, as I am on the run from the American Ministry of Magic because I stole the original Statue of Liberty for some magical billionaire in Russia. 

However, I can steal something if you pay me. Owl Order anything from the Eiffel Tower to Mount Everest!

 

Sincerly,

Harry P.

 


	2. Sherlock 1

 

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I am afraid you have the wrong name and address, as I had not been called 'Harry Potter' since my family adopted me, and I have never lived at Privet Drive. I am not interested in attending a school for children with an average intellect. It would be a waste of my time. I am currently working on becoming a Consulting Detective, which my adopted older Mycroft disagrees with, and some _unproven_  magic would not aid my goal.

Sherlock H.


	3. Supernatural 1

Dear Professor McGonagall,

Firstly, I have to say I am very impressed that this owl managed to cross Universes and Time Itself to find me. Secondly, I am not impressed that the address is all wrong. I currently reside in a House-Outside-The-Universes, which belongs to Death and his Reapers.

I am afraid I will have to decline the invitation to go to Hogwarts as I reside in a parallel universe to this one and am currently very busy, keeping Dean Winchester’s soul from going to Hell while my Cousin Gabriel revives him, and starts the Tuesday Cycle anew. It's hilarious.

Besides, even if I visit your universe, the only item of interest for me would be sending Tom Marvolo Riddle to Hell, as his time to die is long overdue. However, the impending Apocalypse and the release of Death is much more important. So I can't come. However, at some point in the future, Death may send me or another reaper to send Tom Riddle on his way to hell.

 

Best Wishes,

Harry P.


	4. Supernatural 2

Dear Professor McGonagall,

My adopted son, Harry, can not attend Hogwarts, as there are many gods who have it out for me and him, and it would be unsafe for him to remain in one place for too long.

Mind you, there are a lot of unpleasant, trick-worthy people in Magical Britain, so we may visit, but later. I am currently busy with convincing two mutton-heads that fate should not be adhered to.

Any bizarre accidents or deaths will most certainly not be our fault.

 

Loki, God of Mischief

Trickster


	5. Supernatural 3

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I am afraid I will have to decline your invitation for my adopted son, Hadrian, to go to Hogwarts, as there has recently been a recent influx in work for him in maintaining the natural balance of the universes, due to my physical form having been most unfortunately and very thoroughly dispersed by two insignificant humans named Sam and Dean Winchester.

Additionally, I have to add that I would not place the safety of son in hands such as your Headmaster’s, as he has proven himself to not be able to make adequate decision regarding the safety of children, having left Hadrian on the porch of a family in November, in whose care he had died three years later, from starvation and blood loss.

It had caused this and two dozen other close-by universes to start collapsing at the seams, as Hadrian’s fate had been very closely intertwined with them in the past, present and future. As God is _in absentia_ and there is no else who could fix that, it was my duty to do so, which is how I found him.

 

I ask you to pass along this advice to your Headmaster, in order to prevent him from causing multi-universal collapse again (which would make me somewhat unhappy): avoid making any other decisions regarding children, prophecies, or children of prophecies. I will be not be amused if I have to fix it. Again.

 

Sincerely,

Death

 

 

 PS. (Please send this to Tom Marvolo Riddle)

If you attempt to cheat me with something that actually works (Horcruxes do not extend you natural lifespan), I will not be amused.

 

PPS. (Please send this to Nicholas Flamel)

Your stone never worked. Check your, and your wife’s, bloodlines.


	6. Assassin's Creed 1

Dear Professor McGonagall,

As I am currently training to be an Assassin to help take down the threat that Templars pose to this world, I am afraid I can not attend, as the training and education I am getting is very extensive, and the Templars really want to take me out. It is best that my location remains unknown to them.

 

Sincerely,

Harry Frye


	7. Chapter 7

Ms McGonagall,

I am afraid that no ‘Harry Potter’ resides at this address, and that you never bother us again with a prank letter about a ‘magic school’. Magic does not exist. Perhaps you had meant this for the previous residents, the Dursley family, who had gone missing two months ago in a freak lightning storm?

 

Sylvia Noble


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Character Death, SAD

 

Professor McGonagall,

I am afraid to say that the child you called Harry Potter can not attend Hogwarts, as he has been interred here, in this cemetery, three years ago, and is as dead now as he was then, of starvation enforced by his guardians, who have been sentenced to many years in prison. I am sorry for these unfortunate news.

Out of curiosity, how did you train owls to act as such amazing post carriers? And is Hogwarts a seriously ‘magic’ school?

  
  


Quentin F.


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I am afraid that I have to decline your invitation to Hogwarts, as I have already been involved in Tibidohs last year, and am attending it.  Besides, I have heard that there is no drakonball in Hogwarts, and only Quidditch. As I am enrolled in the drakonball team, the lack of the game would be disappointing. And Gorynych, our school dragon, likes me.

Also, the travel from Moscow to London is ridiculously expensive for me. I’d rather go to school closer to home.

 

Best wishes,

Harry Potter


	10. Artemis Fowl

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I believe that your letter has come to the wrong person and address, as I am neither Harry Potter nor do I reside in Privet Drive. Besides, Magic does not exist. It is illogical.

  
Artemis Fowl II


	11. Keyes to the Kingdom 1

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I am afraid I have to decline your offer to attend your school of magic. I can not attend Hogwarts due to having to obtain the rest of the Keys for the House from Lady Friday, Lady Saturday and Lord Sunday, and then having to sort out the absolute mess that the House has become in the last few thousand years.

If my schedule frees up, I may visit your school, but I doubt that I will be able to justify such a waste of time to Dame Primus.

 

Harry Penhaligon

Rightful Heir to the Architect, Master of the Lower House, Lord of the Far Reaches, Duke of the Border Sea, Commander of the Glorious Army of the Architect, and Overlord of the Great Maze.


	12. Sherlock 2

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I would be delighted to attend Hogwarts, as long as you could retrieve me from this secret, governmental institution for extremely dangerous, mass-murders that pose a threat to the world. I have not succeeded in breaking out yet.

  
Harry “James Moriarty” Potter


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Professor McGonagall,

As I am stuck in the Void, as I have been for the last two thousand years, I am afraid I can not attend Hogwarts, and I must admit that I am puzzled that your owl managed to reach me here and leave, while I can't do the same.

 

Harry Potter


	14. Death Note

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I have not been called Harry Potter since I was taken in by Wammy’s Orphanage, where I am happy, and which I shall not leave to go to Hogwarts. I also must question the wisdom of allowing a man, who would carelessly leave a child in a cold night on the porch of a family who hate magic and would give the child away to the first Christian orphanage they could find to purify the child, to hold so many important positions.

Additionally, magic does not factor into my future plans of being a detective, even if it does exist and this is not some elaborate hoax.

 

Best regards.

L


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Professor McGonagall,

As a victim of an unfortunately timed wormhole, I had last year been transported to the year 1789 and had attended Hogwarts then, and I already have passed all the exams, as you may discover if you check the school records. I believe that it would inappropriate for me to attend school, as I am both a little over 200 years old, and what you would classify as a dark creature.

My long life, and ability to write to you today come from an inexpertly performed ritual by three idiots that turned me into a vampire, and I doubt that in this strangely unenlightened age, any British Ministerial official would ever allow me to attend any British institution. 

America is much more welcoming, I have to admit, even though it is full of hunters who can't distinguish between mostly mindless Muggle vampires and magical, self-controlled Vampires.

 

Best regards,

Harry Potter


	16. Doctor Who 1

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I am sorry to inform you that I must decline the invitation to your school. I am currently very busy saving the Universe with the Doctor and Rose.

 

Cheers,

Harry Potter,

The Doctor’s Companion


	17. Chapter 17

Professor McGonagall,

The Doctors say magic is just part of the imagination, just like the floating colours everywhere and the music, and the voices of people long dead, and the ghosts. I know it’s not. It’s real. They never believe me. They said I can't go. I'm sorry.

 

Harry Potter,

Patient 666 of the Dunwood Mental Asylum


	18. Hobbit

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I have been invited on an adventure. I am going to be too busy to attend Hogwarts this year. Maybe next year?

 

Harry Potter


	19. Chapter 19

I, the Dark Lord Potter, have no need for school. Your society will, in due time, kneel to me. You will ALL kneel. I am supreme.

 

Lord Potter


	20. Black Butler 1

Dear Professor McGonagall,

As a Grim Reaper at the London Reaper Office in the Collections Department, I am afraid I am too busy to attend school. Also, I am aware that I was placed with the Dursley family by your Headmaster, and I do not trust someone who’d place a child in a home, that was so bad that the child would commit suicide at the age of ten.

 

Harry Potter,

Junior Member of the Collections Department,

Supervised by Senior Member and Office Manager Grell Sutcliffe.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to send suggestions, though I may not include them, or may alter them.


End file.
